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We went to Belgium on the anniversary of the day my dad died so as I would have something good to think about, instead of all the grief I felt last year, coming back and hitting me again this year.
Well it worked for a while, but grief does come back and it does hit you with a vengeance if you try to stop it.
It brought back all the grief I felt when my Grandma died as well. She died on the 13th Oct, where dad died on the 14th Oct, only thing was that Grandma died in 2001 and dad in 2005.
You think these things are behind you and that you are getting over them, but then something turns up that brings it all crashing down around you.
I found out that my younger brother went up to London to put flowers on dad’s grave on the anniversary of the day he died.
The strange thing is I had to find out from a neighbour of my brothers, why did he not say he was going?
I know I'm just being stupid, he didn't have to tell me why should he tell me, what does it have to do with me, what he does? We are all grown up after all; we all made our own choices of how to deal with things on the day.
The truth is I think I was just trying to shut my feelings out rather than face them head on. I'm too scared to face them head on, I'm scared they will break me and hurt me even more than they are all ready.
You see emotions are the ME/CFS sufferers worst enemy, they use up so much energy they can floor you for weeks, set you back months and take years to get over.
I don't want to go backwards, I want to grow in strength, and health, but at every turn it seems like there is something else that is going to stop me getting better no matter what.
Even my Occupational Therapist said there was no way anyone could do anything to stop my health from getting worse, not with all the stress I had to deal with over the last few years.
So she admitted that I could do nothing to improve my health, yet I still can't get an ill health pension and I'm now waiting to hear if I am going to lose my DLA or if they will re-new it. Alas, I can see yet another fight coming on.
All the stress lately has even made me go backwards from the improvement I was making with my new acupuncturist.
I could feel my energy returning and I could see just how unfit I am, but without the energy, you can't even tell that.
Why does life have to keep beating me up, why can't it just all run good for a while so I can get better?
I'm in a wonderful relationship with two fabulous children (who I spoil as much as I can) in a lovely house and a large garden, with loads of wonderful things to enjoy, yet I'm so emotionally beaten up it is dragging me down. Now would be a good time to heal the emotions and say goodbye to the past.
Let’s hope the future brings brighter things!!!