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Now I may be opening myself up to a whole can of worms here and I may change a few peoples perspectives on me, some for the better but also some for the worse.
In all honesty I'm not sure if that worries me at this moment as my beliefs are part of who I am and they make me me.
Well here goes........
Today I have slept all morning as I was so shattered it was all I could do, I even slept through breakfast.
So when I finally woke I got washed and dressed, then came downstairs and found a bowl containing some beans and new potatoes in the fridge, so I got it out was about to put it into the microwave when there was a knock at the door.
I thought it was my friend who had said she would call round today, but no it was two people from the church of latter day saints.
I told them I wasn't interested and they carried on asking me questions, I told them that as a person who was abused as a child, and who now suffers from an illness where I have to fight for everything and fighting makes you worse, I couldn't see how any God could be so nasty as to let this carry on.
So this man told me about Jobe, a story I had heard many times before, but not in the last 20 years and as this illness affects my concentration and memory I found it hard to recall all the facts.
So I said to him that if God was truly testing my faith then he should have picked someone with a true faith in him to start with, as I have never really believed in him at all.
As a child I went to Sunday school every week for 10+ years and I also went to a church group called the Girls Brigade for 8+ years until I was 15 years old and we moved, but even at that time I couldn't truly say I believed in God.
It was at this point (5 minutes into this chat) that I started to feel dizzy and my legs where hurting, so I told them I needed to go sit down and rest before I fell down.
This man asked if I would read something if he gave it to me, I told him I have trouble reading things which is true, you give me a book and it drains my energy to read it. I don't know why but reading something on the PC is so much easier.
So he asked if he could come back and read it to me, I told him I am not interested and he said "well don't you want your question answered"
I thought he had already tried to do that, saying it was God testing mans (or should that be womans) belief in him.
I just said I'm sorry I have to go and I'm not interested.
Bu this point the room was spinning and I couldn't see straight, so I shut the door and stumbled into the living room and sat on the sofa for a little while to stop everything going round in circles, then I just burst into tears.
What this man had said had opened up my true belief of if there is a God and he is testing my faith then what a cruel and wicked God he must be, and in all honesty I don't think I want to believe in anything that can be that cruel and nasty, it's like asking me to believe in the devil.
Oh and in my books if you believe in the devil then you must also believe in God, and vice versa, as what is good without evil to make it good, and if there is no good then how can evil exist?
So you see I don't believe in either, I do believe in good and bad, right and wrong, but not in one almighty power that over sees all good and one that over sees all evil.
I believe that the human race can be very evil/good but not some higher power and life after death stuff, I believe this is our time, the here and now, so you should live life to the best of your ability, and do what you believe in.
I think if these guys come back I will ask them if I push my beliefs onto them when they are at home, and to then tell them to extend that courtesy to me and to go away.
I can't believe they upset me so much, I think I'm going to see if my neighbour is in and has time for a cup of tea to take my mind off things.....